FriedWords

Derek
Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

It sucks when you realize someone you totally admire has just 'unfollowed' you. P.S. If my dad 'follows' you, please retweet this.

1:56 AM Nov 23 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

"It ain't over till it's over," said the burrito... BRB

10:41 PM Nov 22 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

I'd enjoy these walks with my wife more if this collar didn't choke me everytime she yanks on the leash.

12:27 PM Nov 22 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

@CranberryPerson Hey, noticed you cut 'Fried' out of your diet. I get it. Must be a 'runner' thing. *wipes tear away with a donut*

11:10 AM Nov 22 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

Vampires? Pfft... To me the scariest movie about beings who suck the life out of you was 'Parenthood'.

11:49 AM Nov 21 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

Considering we're all born sticky & naked, this unitard I made out of grape jelly is really quite natural... Here, hold this peanut butter.

8:09 PM Nov 20 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

Strike while the iron is hot. And if the kid still misbehaves, use the ironing board.

11:33 PM Nov 19 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

Spoke to college ad students yesterday. Went well, till I asked for volunteers for my sex sells demonstration. Guess I should've worn pants.

8:38 PM Nov 19 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

The more dumb things my 8 yr old does the more I realize that, if he was the fastest, I must have some pretty damn slow sperm.

7:26 PM Nov 17 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

I used to think Cookie Monster was autistic, till I saw the word 'cookies' listed as slang for crystal meth.

1:42 PM Nov 17 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

Sorry, lady. But if you didn't wanna play crash car derby then you shouldn't have bumped my cart with your rascal...CLEAN UP IN AISLE FOUR!

9:04 PM Nov 16 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

I am the Dr. Kevorkian of sandwiches.

11:35 AM Nov 16 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

They say faith can move mountains, so I brought a Bible to read on the toilet.

9:17 AM Nov 16 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

For the record, wrapping toilet paper around your body does not make for an effective hazmat suit...& kids are filthy, nasty, dirty animals.

9:03 PM Nov 15 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

My son's friend is spending the night. I hope that means his parents are gonna have sex. Otherwise these night vision goggles were a waste.

8:24 PM Nov 14 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

If my life were a fairy tale these happy endings would involve a partner.

12:22 PM Nov 13 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

I hooked my dog up to a polygraph cuz she's a lying bitch.

10:58 PM Nov 12 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy vodka, comic books, midget strippers, a pony andOH GOD I'M SO HAPPY!

7:14 PM Nov 11 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

Seeing a ghost is probably the scariest, but I bet seeing a vagina from the 70's has to be a close second.

9:10 PM Nov 10 by @FriedWords

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Derek - I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

Never trust a hobo with a lemonade stand.

9:15 AM Nov 10 by @FriedWords

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