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MattRedacted
![Matt [Redacted]](http://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/300876420/MattRomanceProfileCropped_normal.jpg "Matt [Redacted]")
- Name: Matt [Redacted]
- Location: Ship-Trap Island
- Bio: Very average authority on the Non-Intercourse Act of 1809.
![Matt [Redacted] - Very average authority on the Non-Intercourse Act of 1809.]( http://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/300876420/MattRomanceProfileCropped_normal.jpg "Matt [Redacted]")
@Lorisays Yes, she comes from a background in Unhappiness, whereas I was a history major.
10:24 PM Nov 18 by @MattRedacted
@cravenheart Yeah, it's unfortunate and exciting at the same time. Do you have any great lines for such a letter? A favorite font?
10:12 PM Nov 18 by @MattRedacted
I'm currently writing my first Letter of Resignation--in crayon--okay not in crayon. Should I write it in crayon?
9:48 PM Nov 18 by @MattRedacted
Sorry I haven't tweeted much lately. Boss, Esq. has been raping away the joy in the world the last few weeks.
9:45 PM Nov 18 by @MattRedacted
After a conversation with Boss, I now have Captain-Benjamin-L.-Willard eyes; the "Nung River" runs down my pants. The horror.
4:16 PM Nov 13 by @MattRedacted
My new paper shredder reminds me of Rudy. It harbors dreams of shredding more than 1 piece of paper at a time, despite significant obstacles
1:53 PM Nov 13 by @MattRedacted
My new paper shredder at work is a replica of Horstachio, the world's largest piñata. And, now, bad days at work can be fun!
6:45 PM Nov 12 by @MattRedacted
So, @FakeAPStylebook says it's okay that I wrote "your" instead of "you're" in my last tweet, as it is an "artistic variance".
1:20 PM Nov 11 by @MattRedacted
Being verbally assaulted at work is as close as I’ll ever get to being a UFC Contender. Also, I tap out like a girl.
11:22 AM Nov 11 by @MattRedacted
Toilet paper, like cash register receipt paper, should turn red toward the end of the roll so you know what you [don't] have to work with.
10:24 PM Nov 10 by @MattRedacted
I’ve entertained myself during the recession by taking my magazine “Final Notice” warnings and taping them to my neighbors’ doors, monthly.
12:13 AM Nov 10 by @MattRedacted
Just spattered egg drop soup all over November 29, and I'll be reminded of this mistake until December 1.
1:10 PM Nov 9 by @MattRedacted
All these Muppet Google logos remind me of my dark, childhood days discovering hysterical realism with Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem.
10:23 PM Nov 8 by @MattRedacted
@PolarBear_ Wasn't that research the basis for An Inconvenient Truth?
10:11 PM Nov 8 by @MattRedacted
Issac Netwon really discovered the effects of gravity after eating hundreds of pastries filled with fig cream--with little to no exercise.
9:49 PM Nov 8 by @MattRedacted
@AndyJukes Dude, have we talked about the Dysons before? I had a go at one in the Minneapolis airport. The best I've ever had.
1:33 AM Nov 8 by @MattRedacted
I bet with all that heat, they can't use paper towels in Hell. BUT, I bet they have the best hand driers.
1:19 AM Nov 8 by @MattRedacted
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