shitmydadsays
- Name: Justin
- Bio: I'm 29. I live with my 73-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says
“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
3:07 PM Nov 21 by @shitmydadsays
"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."
2:59 PM Nov 18 by @shitmydadsays
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
1:00 PM Nov 16 by @shitmydadsays
"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."
1:26 PM Nov 13 by @shitmydadsays
"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not."
1:22 PM Nov 10 by @shitmydadsays
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."
3:36 PM Nov 9 by @shitmydadsays
"Mom and I saw a great movie last night...No, don't remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."
2:30 PM Nov 7 by @shitmydadsays
"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."
12:40 PM Nov 4 by @shitmydadsays
"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."
1:27 PM Nov 3 by @shitmydadsays
"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."
10:44 AM Nov 1 by @shitmydadsays
"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."
12:11 PM Oct 29 by @shitmydadsays
"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."
3:39 PM Oct 28 by @shitmydadsays
"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."
12:46 PM Oct 26 by @shitmydadsays
"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."
3:43 PM Oct 24 by @shitmydadsays
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
11:51 AM Oct 22 by @shitmydadsays
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
12:53 PM Oct 20 by @shitmydadsays
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
2:59 PM Oct 18 by @shitmydadsays
"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."
12:11 PM Oct 16 by @shitmydadsays
"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."
11:15 AM Oct 14 by @shitmydadsays
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
11:10 AM Oct 12 by @shitmydadsays
